Are you playing the Judge?

"For the Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment unto the Son." — John 5:22

Imagine a couple, let’s call them David and Sarah, driving down the highway. Suddenly, they see police lights flashing in the rearview mirror. Later that evening, they are recounting the stressful event to friends.

Sarah starts to tell the story: "It was so scary! We were cruising along at about 50 miles per hour when suddenly the siren went off..."

Immediately, David cuts her off. "No, Sarah, we were doing 40. Maybe 42. Definitely not 50."

Sarah pauses, embarrassed, and tries to continue. "Okay, well, anyway, the officer came up to the window..."

David interrupts again. "He didn't come to the window right away; he sat in his car for two minutes first. You have to get the details right."

By the end of the story, the room is awkward, Sarah is silent, and David feels triumphant because he was "right." But while David won the argument on facts, he lost the connection with his wife.

David was playing a role that destroys intimacy: The Judge.

The Judge is the spouse or family member who pretends to know everything. They don't just listen to words; they claim to read minds and correct every detail. The Judge believes they are:

- Right in making decisions.

- Right in drawing conclusions.

- Right in interpreting motives.

When one person claims to be the expert on the other person’s thoughts or experiences, it shuts down communication instantly. It says, "Your voice doesn't matter because I already know the truth."

Why is this so dangerous? It creates a negative loop.

When we act like a Judge, we force our spouse into a corner. They feel unheard and attacked. In response, they might become defensive, withdraw into silence, or fight back. We then blame their reaction for our frustration, not realizing that our initial judgment started the cycle. It becomes a chain reaction of defenses where nobody wins, and everybody loses.

The spiritual danger of playing the Judge is that we are trying to take a seat that doesn't belong to us. As the opening verse reminds us, God has committed judgment to Jesus—not to us.

If you recognize yourself in this description, there is good news. You can break the cycle today:

Stop Mind Reading: Admit that you don't know everything. Ask questions like, "What did you mean by that?" instead of assuming you know.

Listen to Understand, Not to Convict: Listen to your spouse or child to understand their heart, not just to find a flaw in their logic or their memory.

Accentuate the Positive: Instead of looking for evidence of guilt, look for evidence of grace.

When we stop trying to be the Judge, we create space for the true Judge—Jesus—to bring healing and confirm His promises in our relationships.